cousin's wedding at swissotel the stamford 31st aug. tmr!! cant wait, need to wake up early tmr and out whole day till nite. tiring day but fun can help in wedding reception wif sis and cousin's sis. still rmb helping emily since she planned her bro's whole wedding but i didnt help much lols. cant wait haha :] very excited.

at that moment when i made that decision last wed, i know i shldnt have any regrets. right now i want to work doubly hard to do well for this degree and hopefully get on with a master degree. time will pass fast. sch's starting in mid sept only, after which oct, nov, dec, jan, feb lessons are ending and it's prelims in march so fast, revision classes followed by that then real exams in may. i must buck up study hard though i know i will not do well for first year, luckily they are only foundation units. cant wait for this sunday reception area!!! so excited, need to go early in the morning i guess if my parents wan to go for tea ceremony and if they cant find a guy to open the wedding door.

today was quite okies :]] shall update later.

i know the truth already. so shocking and i know what decision to make already.

what can i do? nothing just wait. tell everyone im alright yet im not. i force myself to eat, force myself to sleep yet cannot force myself to do it. everytime want to sleep at 2am, lie on bed cant sleep, tossing and turning, crying to myself, eventually slept at 4 then always wake up at 8am cant sleep back cos wake up think of him, tears dripped down but what can i do? my mood down all the way. even last nite's training never even train properly gain 30% only, every nite i can up one level if not 90 over % juz last nite, mood totally down. pple ask me if im fine, i put on a brave front and said im, deep in my heart, im not. no laughter, no joy in my life alr. no matter how funny is it i also cant laugh. i can do is cry and wait. i learnt my lesson. no smile on me at all. i see how worried my parents are. they're usually worried abt my bro not eating but now they're worried abt me not eating only. i prayed to God, leaving all my troubles to him yet im still so emotional. Lord, help me pls, i really cannot take it. i really miss him alot. i type this now and im crying so painfully, so xinku. im glad that im able to msg him and talk to him in ms, i cant expect for more, i miss talking to him on phone too. i really cant do without him, cant live without him. now my life becomes so useless, whole day i didnt do anything at all just go in ms so that im able to see him talk. i really cant take it if touch wood he goes to heaven, i'll be crying like mad, cant get a proper life. it's not easy to forget someone when both of u are deep in it with true love.


4th day.

whenever i listened to my blog song, my tears start to drip down. i feel so terrible. the song which i promised to play to him, i dont have the chance to play now. i really wish for miracle to happen.

this is so suffering. all my sorrows are hidden inside, all i can do is cry secretly in toilet, cry when my parents are not in, the rest of the time like now when my parents are in, i controlled myself so hard. this is the worse i ever experienced in my life. sometimes i really want to question God why!!! God plans for everything, he has a purpose or sometimes a lesson to be learnt by us. my mood totally goes down 24 hours everyday, no laughter nth. yest dinner i forced myself to eat the food. i ate so little, got 2 leftover doufu parents tell me eat, the whole plate of doufu and prawns i never eat at all hence i need to eat, i juz stuff the whole doufu inside my mouth. this morning wake up so empty, i cried. now bloggin also wan to cry, controlling myself. mum knows something is wrong, hence i played ms she never nag at all tell me go settle and do my things first. i wan to help my parents do hsework now even ironing i dont even have the mood. i cried and ironed yest, seriously cannot take it, i stopped ironing. i cant tell my parents what's going on, either can i tell my siblings. no one knows what happened. no idea why first time in my life i refused to let go and never think of other choices, i only want one and only of that choice. i see dad moping floor sweating like mad, i feel so terrible after that afternoon my parents still need to go to office to work. i feel so useless in everything, i feel so xinku, why is my life like that? to everyone, when u found the right person in your life, remember to cherish that person, every single moment treasure it, dont wait till the last minute when it's too late for u to regret like the useless me.


2nd day

life's getting worse for me. no appetite, no mood. it's worse ever. mum even asked me today why i looked so tired. sorry for everything, i regretted. ive no idea what u doing but i know u want to play hard and study hard. just to let you know, i'll be waiting. no idea if now u'll still be reading my blog. i wish u will.

1day

hope life is getting better each day. pretty slack at home, sch's starting soon, hectic life again but probably good keep my mind occupied. yeah play hard study hard, pray that i dont give any nonsense but hope u know what ur doing. 2 more weeks or so to wedding. went facial today few mths didnt go there le, the beauticians said my looks changed lols. true, my looks indeed changed haha. hope i'll get what i want, just a simple wish to be fulfilled :]]

Thank God i passed my driving for 1st attempt on 1st august. have been driving parents' car recently, cars honking here and there, rather dangerous. yeah practice makes perfect, i've to get used to auto cars since most of the cars are auto now. hope i'll be able to drive safely in no time :]

beijing olympics is wonderful. the opening ceremony was grand and all the dancers are really good. went beijing last dec, the big scenary pic on this blog is from beijing with my family and tour grp members in the background. we saw the bird nest stadium and the rectangular shape block which has lots of bubbles shape which i guess the swimming competitions are held in there. im glad i went beijing last dec, it was the olympics mood alr. everywhere u can see the 5 dolls -beibei,jingjing,huanhuan,yingying,nini, beggars selling imitations, the olympics store which sells the original and the softtoys of those dolls were huge. didnt buy back any cos it was costly but my tour grp pple bought. watching the olympics on tv, i saw many different events - weightlifting, basketball, swimming, badminton, gynastics. china gynastics are real good, they obtained gold medal. michael phleps is so fast when he swims, he got so many gold medals alr. it was sad that tao li got 5th in her 100m butterfly but anw it was a good job since it's a world event. basketball was really exciting. saw china playing against usa, even president george bush was there to watch. the basketballers were so quick and fast, their reactions were fast and they were alert. so many 3 points throw were made, it seems so easy to them. it was my first time also to see yao ming play on tv, the chinese are patriotic, they're so united when their national anthem was played unlike usa.

national day is tomorrow. i wish i'll be able to watch the parade live one day in the future when im married lols . so fast many mths passed and my school is going to start soon :( back to the boring school life but just hope everything goes fine. gonna buck up and mug all the way.

there were so many weddings that took place this year. i cant wait for 31st August, my cousin's wedding. probably seeing many of young adults since my cousin is 28 and his sister is 23. my cousin's sis, my sis and i are going to be under the reception area, just 3 of us. so excited :] it's going to be held at swissotel. the last wedding i attended was emily's bro wedding in march this year, was scary cos she planned the whole wedding wow. on july 26, there were 2 weddings but i was working hence i cant attend awww. i cant wait to have my own wedding lols.

the apple is still there. no space at all but i'll never eat the apple up.

busy with housework since there isnt any domestic helper. mostly ironing stuffs, washing dishes..

i know what to do already..

things are getting better :]

maid was sent back to agency for some reasons.

hais wishing that i would be cared for yet it's not the people i want it from.

i am missing you so much. thinking of you all day long. wondering what are u doing now. fate brought us together just remembering how we met each other despite the 20 channels all occupied at that time. i have just one simple wish, wishing you are back to me. right now i have decided to wait, no one can stop me. it's different from my past when it wasnt love at all hence waiting is useless. But for you i know u once loved me. how about now? i cried at store for more than 5 times there were more than 50 promoters there, all saw me crying only some know i am crying because i am thinking of you. it's the worst pain i ever experienced because u are the first who truly loves me and makes me feel like i am your only one. I thought that i will be alright since i am working, work will occupy my mind. WRONG, instead i didnt even promote anything at all because my whole mind is filled with you only. the supervisor saw me missing for many times and for very long. i was hiding at one corner of the store crying, i want to stop myself from crying, i stopped but immediately i cried again when i think of you. some people walked past and got a shock cos i was hiding at a corner. they thought they met a ghost or what cos my whole face was red and my eyes were totally red as well moreover it was at a corner which they cant see unless they turn back.
right now all i can do is to wait. I WILL BE AND I AM ALREADY WAITING.

Wishing that you are by my side,

Hoping that this will be real.

Arrows piercing through my heart

Whenever i feel green with jealousy.

Nothing of this has been felt before in my life,

You are the first one who is able to do that.

The feeling is totally different from my past,

It's not anger but pure jealousy.

Things are not as simple as it is,

It isnt a day's happening.

Crying will not make you come back,

But at least that's the only way for me to pour out.

If keeping everything in my heart,

I am not sure if i will turn crazy one day.

I really thank God for bringing you into my life,

At least you are the only one i have no regrets at all.

this which i sent to you before may.

Growing with you each day,
You are my everything.
Over all tides and waves,
Happy is still what we are.
Over all tests and hurdles,
No matter what happens,
Guohong, guohong
UR MINE!

sigh everyday i am crying i feel so hurt when the person i love most scolded me rudely. if it is a friend scolding you, u will already feel so terrible what more yr love one who scolded you.

the counter is there. yes from 800 over days decreasing to 600 over already. im determined! soon my second year will start and after which need to really study hard, do well for exams, year 2 has ended. by the time left 360 over days only.. so excited. then 3rd year over left 30 over days. now im thinking, counter is wrong alr.. shld be year 2011. more days added sigh. think after uni i'll do masters, just nice when he comes out. hais why is my character like that. in real life, im known to be a quiet and timid person. ask all my pri and sec sch frens, im well known in sch for one of the quietest and guai girl. thinking back, time really pass so fast..

reflecting back on the past mths, thinking the times when we were so happy talking on msn everyday. i was so glad abt my name in his phone. my msges thruout his inbox. when my exams came, he helped me alot. at least someone was there to motivate me, prevent me from touching the computer hence i never update my blog nor even go in msn at all. it's surprising that i didnt use the com much. yep it's for my own good for him to do that. my mum for that few mths didnt scold me at all regarding the computer. never ever. i should tone down myself when im online. my real life personality and online personality is so different. indeed when pple is online they will tend to talk whatever they want to since they're not facing the person. for example when im in ms, if someone provokes me, i'll scold the person like mad, shoot that person non stop. however in real life for example my workplace, the person provokes me, i didnt even dare to scold back. i just ignored. real life is real life, virtual is virtual. still rmb the past, during that 1 mth, i didnt even quarrel with the person at all. not even one small quabble. i dont even dare to talk much hence we're outside, the whole atmosphere so wierd. i only quarrelled with him after ending. quarrelled thru online not real life. real life i dont even dare say all these. in real life, i dont quarrel with pple at all. NONE! real life my behaviour is like.. hmm.. pple call me qian jin xiao jie. totally different.

today my mood was up and down. up cos he told me to stay to see him level. omgosh i was so happy =] immediately my mood went up by so much, i was no longer sad. later after that juz only sigh im really sorry. i was too agitated. i talk to pple on phone also different. real life i tend to hide from pple and run away. im shy. during work i stand at my counter never talk to the promoters. one came over and ask me why u dont wan come over and talk not bored meh. i said no not bored ma, juz stand there and dream. i was thinking of him, thinking of him is good enough why go over and talk to them. juz one more time, i cant provoke him. why am i so easily jealous, i must think of the past when i did just the same. yeah i know how he feels but only now then i know it. sighh too late le. i must get the taste of it then i know. ok just endure and close one eye. i must rmb we're frens though 3 years deal is on. still rmb that time get married, i still talking on the phone with him. so nice :] thinking of the scene makes me so happy, grinning from ear to ear. alright i go sleep le.

my mum scolded me like hell for playing ms every single day. problem is what can i do? i wanna win them not only that, that's the only chance of me talking to him. everyone in my family said im addicted. nope im not at all. if there're other ways of communicating with each other, why i bother going in there to play all the time. hais last nite i cant sleep kept thinking of what happened inside there. still rmb he asking pple to accompany him. what am i there for then? so what she's alr married? what if i asked ku to pei me isnt it wierd? not only that still ask if she's his best fren. i feel so rejected and so terrible. last nite cant sleep kept crying. now eyes swollen. is God trying to tell me to forget him? are those actions he did to tell me something? his nick alr changed so much. no more mr goh. still rmb the msges i sent to him, poems, sorry msges.. i read all of them last nite. as i read, i cried even harder. sometimes, i really feel like questioning God, i know there's a purpose and lesson learnt for what he's doing. right now life is so torturing, thinking of him all day long yet not able to get hold of him. what a failure and useless person am i.

blog a post at last. life is full of decisions. once decided, there should not be any regrets. why is my life always like that. so complicated. everytime i must always get into this situation. WHY??? my wish is very simple. i really wish for it to come true.

wish ur by my side.

EXAMS EXAMS!! ended at last but tedious revision lessons are coming soon after which is the final exams in MAY!! prelims aint like prelims more of just sitting there and staring at the papers lols.

1st March
the night be4 was busy calling each other to see who's booking the movie tixs for JUNO online.. in the end michelle booked the cathay one at 3.15pm. she's fast lol cos actually they asked me to book online.. decided to watch juno cos we arranged to go hippo tour and dhl balloon rite.. but ps called the weather station LOL then they said the next day raining so we knew probably dhl balloon cannot le cos they dun operate on bad weathers. anw all the rides are free for us cos ps's dad's in that company so free yippie.. the hippo tour was 12.05pm or 2pm so we chose 2pm since it will rain.. oh ya wanted to watch musical fountain at nite as well then free actually but ps later said need to pay 6 bucks..

finally met them at 1pm but everyone was late... i was latest reached ard 1.20pm.. walked all the way to suntec city.. saw the s8 guy at citylink.. saw a gay couple lol too. reached suntec me and joyce decided to buy that dou sau that bun thingy frm food republic.. you tiao still frying so never buy. ps and michelle went starbucks buy drinks. waited for them then they came.. ps said late alr need to go board the hippo tour alr. then we rushed all the way there.. rushed to the road full of duck and hippo tours.. then juz followed ps board the hippo tour.. lols everyone waiting for us.. we went all the way up the deck.. all ah mohs haha we sat last row cos drizzling.. then ps went front to sit. the tour was round little india, kampong glam and chinatown.. me and joyce like tourists kept taking photos LOL. then suddenly ps dad came up told him that we alight at chinatown there cos it's near 3 le then movie at 3.15.. so we alighted at chinatown took to dhoby gaut walked to the cathay and watched juno there. juno not bad ba.. but really that nice.. muz understand their english cos sometimes they speak too fast cant catch wad they talking and that parts are funny zz. after movie went ps.. dunno where to eat in the end decided to eat at pastamania.. order that pasta chicken bal something.. nice.. after that went sportslink to see.. so many pple cos got sales... after that took train wif joyce.. i went cityhall then walked to suntec to meet parents and bro.. carrefour.. back home..

we decided to meet one day juz to sit all the rides cos ps said duck tour also free. so one day we'll sit all the rides on one day.. hippo tour, duck tour and dhl balloon YIPPIE!!!

another day then put up pics for the hippotour bus and chingay floats and performance..